Lovely morning
One of my favorite things in the world is waking up to messages from someone I care about more than most anything ruining my day.
On the way downstairs I punched my door in anger and got a splinter in my knuckle. Annoying.
I want her back. That's no secret. I don't want to jump back into a relationship, by any means; I want her to at least trust me enough to believe me when I answer her questions. She evidently doesn't, now. She probably never will. I'll never hold the one girl I loved more than life itself in my arms again, I'll never look into her loving eyes, I'll never see her shy smile when she brings me an unexpected present for no reason just because she loves me... sigh.
The only thing I know to do is harden my soul and move on. I don't want that. She gave me so much, and it feels like all I did was destroy her. The amount of self loathing I feel... I can't even describe it. Probably the only reason I'm still sitting here typing this is I don't trust the 9mm cartridge to kill me, and since I got my .45 I haven't felt the death wish I did for so long. You know, it's funny, all I could think about when I held that pistol and looked death in the eye is what whoever found me would feel, and I realized I could do that to anyone.
I'm not here for pity, and I frankly don't give a shit what anyone reading this has to say about it. I'm just getting my feelings out, because I'm stuck in a corner here and I can hardly breath for the stress I feel.
For all the anger I feel toward her for hurting me, for believing the shit she at least says she believes about me, I love her. I love her more than anything. If she really wants me to leave, if she can't trust me, well I guess I don't blame her. I fucked it up, I ruined what we had, and that's all there is to it... it makes it a little easier to handle. I deserve this.
But I still love her.
