Weird Night...
I've had an odd night... I'm not sure if I like it.
I saw Erin, my ex, for the first time since we broke up back in September. She said I should stop by her work, though I'm not sure why, and I decided to go. Things weren't too weird, awkward at first and when I was leaving, but alright I suppose.
I bought some movies while I was there (she works at a video place): Dodgeball, The Punisher, and Walking Tall. Dodgeball was fucking hilarious, The Punisher is one of my favorite movies (I let it run in the background three times straight this afternoon), and Walking Tall is a good movie. Not a great movie, but good. If they'd had Equilibrium or something I would have bought that instead. It was buy 2 get 1 free, see.
She looked great. She always has... but today, she seemed even more beautiful than usual. I wonder how many times I told her she was beautiful? That exact word... probably never. What a fool.
Maybe tonight was a mistake. I had begun to believe that I don't love her as much as I do--that she isn't as special as she is. The funny thing is if you looked at the two of us apart, you'd never guess we could have fallen so in love once upon a time. When we first started dating I had doubts, but with time... I fell in love deeper than I even knew until we broke up.
I don't even know how much of what we had was real. It was real for me, but was it real for her? I know she loved me, but did she really love me that much, or was she holding on because, like she said once, she thought it was me or nothing? I don't like thinking about this stuff, because it hurts more than anything to think that the love in her eyes when we were together wasn't real... I believe it was real. I don't think that look in her eyes could be faked.
I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore. The funny thing is after we broke up, I became everything she said she wished I was. It took losing the love of my life to become a good person again, to become content with myself, to learn from all those awful mistakes I made. Is that life? I don't know.
I'm not interested in anyone else. I had been thinking about Rachel a lot lately, but seeing Erin tonight just underscored how weak my feelings for Rachel really were and are compared to the love I lost. I'm fairly certain Erin has dated several guys since we broke up, might even be dating someone now, I don't know, but I just can't do it. Nobody does it for me.
Warning to the easily offended or squeemish: Too much information next.Anyone I try to get interested in becomes straight about sex. Sure, there are some girls I know that I'd like to fuck, but that's all it is. It just feels like a game, and I refuse to be one of those guys. I could do it, I could go out and fuck around--it would be easy--but it would just dirty me. The odd thing about this kind of lust is that it's not about physical gratification; Chris Byrne of anarchangel.blogspot.com wrote a post a short while ago that reminded me of this. I can't remember the last time I came when I was having sex. It was about giving the girl a ton of pleasure and that's it; I'd just jerk off later.
I wonder if my sex life will always be like that. For love or lust, the sex is the same, so I'm not sure what point I was trying to make; the difference is the motivation only. I guess with love the difference is giving up control to the girl. Only one girl I've done that with, and even then not as much as I should have. I'm glad I wrote this, the control thing just occurred to me.
Control is a big thing in my life. I'm not a control freak, but you have to really earn my trust for me to give it up to you. My father is someone I trust implicitly. So is my Uncle Tim. My old best friend Pete was, for a long time, but we've been distant for a few years. I don't really know him anymore. It's a huge relief to know someone you can really trust, so you can take off the mantle of responsibility for a bit and just rest. Being so controlled... it's wearing.
I didn't give Erin enough control. I wish I had... I trusted her more than most anyone, but I think I was so used to getting fucked over by people I put my trust in that I wasn't ready. What I wouldn't give to have someone like that in my life again.
I'm just kind of rambling, so I'll post this and maybe start a new post about something political or boomsticky or something. I should be sleeping and getting up before dawn to go running, but I know I won't get to sleep tonight any time soon.
