Priorities
It's funny how my priorities have changed in the last few weeks. Everything that seemed important before is nothing to me now, because I've had a chance to see what's truly important in my life now that I lost it.
I'm in love, so deep in love, with the girl that left me about seven weeks ago. For a bit after we broke up I thought I was okay, and I even dabbled with the idea of dating someone else. I was in shock, I guess, or just enjoying the change of pace.
No thank you. Every time I even consider someone else it comes down to one thing: they're not Erin, and they can't ever be what she is to me. I miss her so much that I ache all the time, I want to fall to my knees and scream and cry her name every couple minutes and it's all I can do not to break down and weep in front of my family. I was a fool for hurting her like I did, and more of a fool for not fighting right at the end and letting our relationship just collapse.
Erin means everything to me... Everything. I used to care about politics, guns, the military, and going out west, but none of that means anything anymore because I can't share it with her. I'll admit that sometimes I let my own dreams get in my way of seeing hers, and I feel horrible about it. I'm down here in Cuba, NY, at my uncle's house, and tomorrow's the regular deer season opening day. I should be excited, but instead I just feel hollow and I'm dreading spending all day alone in the woods with my thoughts, without any distraction.
Everything that used to give me joy is just a mindless activity now... I enjoy learning and shooting and everything, but the real joy I got from telling her about it. All I want now is to see her smile, to hear her whisper 'I love you' in my ear, to wake me up with a smile in the afternoon when she gets home from class... We lived that life for so long, and without it, I don't know where I am. I want to lay beside her, curled up on the bed, watching movies... I just don't know what to do without her love in my life.
I don't think I showed her how much I loved her enough. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for all the ways I hurt her. A lot of the time I hurt her without meaning to, and I wish I could make it up to her, but she won't let me. I know I can't make up for some of the things I did. I can't believe I imagined I could live my life and be okay alone again after so long basking in the light of her love. 2.5 years almost to the day we were together... and we went through so much, I thought our love was so strong after all the problems we overcame that it could handle everything. Erin thought so too, when I told her how I might have to leave to enlist... she was confident we'd last.
Erin became a part of my family. I still haven't told my grandmother we aren't together, because it'll break her heart... She really loves Erin, and she was convinced we would be together for the rest of our lives. She saw the true love between us and I can't bear to tell her the truth, wrong as it is. I regret not spending more time with Erin's family, not becoming one of her family members too. That's one of the ways I hurt her without meaning to.
She changed me, she made me appreciate so much that I had ignored before, and she let me see a lot of beauty in the world. The greatest beauty of all was inside her, and I could just glimpse it when I looked into her eyes.
I don't know what else to say. I know I wasn't everything I should have been, and now that I want to be there for her more than anything, I don't know if I'll ever get the chance. I want to give her the life she wants and deserves, I want to make her happier than any other woman. We built a future together, and I want to make it a reality, and better than either of us imagined.
