Hurt
It's hard to look at yourself through others' eyes. I don't necessarily agree with their opinion of me, but I do have to face the fact that somewhere along the way I did something bad to make them think of me like that.
For example: I'm in love with a woman, and we're not together, but I see she's having some real problems in her life and I want to help. She's with a guy I don't really like based on his actions, and I tell her so. My goal? Helping her, that's pretty much it; I'm not trying to break them up. Her view? I'm trying to weasel my way back into her life, ruin her relationship, and ultimately benefit only myself. Ouch. Do I deserve it? From one point of view, sure, but I guess either you could ask me what I'm up to and believe it or just believe I'm a lying scumbag based on one mistake that was mutually made.
There are a lot more comparable examples, but that one is just the first that came to mind. More than just one person sees it that way too. It's much harder for me to deal with the fact that someone I love has such a low opinion of me than to deal with the fact that I'm alone. Maybe I'm too image conscious, or maybe I'm just normal, but I hate how people believe I'm someone I'm not and jump to a lot of conclusions based on that misconception. My mother, ex-girlfriend, and the previously mentioned woman all do it.
To hear some people tell it, my past is completely different than what I actually lived. Nobody stops to ask me what I was thinking, or why I did what I did, or even what I
really did! The lie is simply accepted as the truth after a certain number of repititions, and nothing I do now can reverse that evolution of my past.
I know I've made a lot of mistakes in the last few years, and some of them were pretty huge, but I've also done a lot of good, and somehow that good is ignored or lost in the shuffle. I've done what I can to make up for my sins, I think, and now I've moved on. The last three or so years have brought me to be who I am today, and I'm happy with who I am. I haven't really changed; I'm still the same guy, just refined, as it were.
All I can offer is the future, to do better than I have and learn from those mistakes so I don't make them again. I think that's all anyone can reasonably ask.
P.S. By the way, any of the people mentioned herein that read it are probably going to try to castrate me for telling my point of view. I get that a lot these days. I'm not lashing out at anyone, I'm just trying to let out some emotional pressure here because none of the people I called to talk to were around, and this is one way for me to say what I need to say.
