Fucking A
It's nice to be criticized for everything you did wrong and given no credit for the things you did right. It's even better when you had no idea you were doing something very hurtful because the person you were hurting said you weren't! There's a word for this sort of thing: BULLSHIT.
I never knew how much it bothered Erin that I didn't go to some of the social stuff she did with her family and friends, because she didn't tell me, and now every time we talk she brings it up. To hear her tell it I was NEVER there, I NEVER supported her in anything, and I refused flat out to have anything at all to do with her family and friends despite her pleading.
Now let's look at my perception of how things went. You should understand that I'm very uncomfortable with large groups of people, and a lot of her friends aren't really the type of people I have things in common with. I did do a lot of stuff with her family, despite her claims, and on the whole I'd say I did more than I didn't. I didn't keep score, but that's what I seem to remember. There were a few occasions when I did refuse to do something, but most of the time she said it was okay if I didn't because she knew it would make me really uncomfortable. Sometimes I said it and sometimes I didn't, but I would have done that stuff no matter how much it bothered me if I'd known how much it meant to her. I thought she was respecting my feelings and making a compromise! Guess not, huh. I didn't find out until we broke up (and it was convenient for her to have ammunition against me) just how much it hurt her.
The other night when I brought up the fact that she never told me that it hurt her, she called me an idiot for believing her. Hmm, what? I'm stupid for trusting the woman I love to tell me how she really feels? Where's the logic in that? I'm sensing a lack of culpability here, or maybe an exaggerated sense of hurt now that she's hunting for reasons to hate me. Look, guys, I do feel shitty for not doing that stuff; I regret every single way I ever hurt her, and I would fix it if I could. But I can't, and like I've said, all I can do is change the way I act now. I have.
Let's not sugarcoat the situation though; Erin hurt me in many ways too, it's just that I let them go, and most of them I can't even remember because I knew she wasn't doing it on purpose. I don't hold grudges, and I can readily forgive most things, even if I don't forget them. I'm not going to elaborate on the ways that she hurt me that I do remember, but I've forgiven the vast majority of those more major hurts as well. I thought most of the hurts I dealt her were forgiven, if not forgotten, and I'm just now finding out how wrong I was for imagining that. One thing that really bothers me is how she can forgive someone else for near exact injuries and not forgive me. I guess the real difference between us is when I look back on our relationship I look past the bad and see the amazing, the great things that I really miss. She looks back and sees everything I did wrong to the exclusion of good things.
I will say that despite everything I ranted about here, I take everything she says with a grain of salt and try not to let it hurt me, because of the situation we're in. The women in my life are prone to saying very hurtful things that they may not mean totally in moments of anger or distress, so I just keep that in mind. I can remember her smile when she was truly happy, the light of love in her beautiful chromatically insecure eyes, and that alone reassures me.
This whole series of events has made me evolve several times, and each for the better. I wasn't the guy I wanted to be before, and I know I wasn't there for her 100% or even close, but I did try my best. Now, after it's too late, I am exactly what I wanted to be. I won't elaborate on this either, but it will suffice to say that for the first time in my life I'm truly happy with who I am. I think I've become a much better person through everything, and though the cost in pain weighs heavily on my heart, I am glad to have paid it.
